Grief During the Holidays

Christmas is a season of joy, hope, peace, anticipation. It is filled with parties, presents and traditions.  It is when love and happiness abounds. People travel, go out of their way to make connections and look forward to time to savor those moments we don’t have time for throughout the year. Children are trying their best to be their best.  Excitement is in the air. Everywhere we look there are bows, greens, lights, decorations adorn every store and town. Trees are aglow and streets seem to come alive.  The anticipation of time together and memories to be made.

Unless…

You are grieving.

Then all the anticipation, the excitement and joy seem like tasks that have to be completed until we can start a new year and  “try to move forward.” There seems to be a dark cloud hanging over us throughout this season. All the memories of the past have a touch of sadness in them because that person is not here.  When that special someone who made the holidays special is missing there is sadness in the air. You may look around the dinner table and there is an empty chair. You are decorating for the holidays and it just isn’t the same to put up decorations that they loved. Going to parties alone just loses all the joy.  Even going to the store and buying one less gift is heart wrenching. There are seasons in life that are hard, but grieving through the holidays has its own significance.  

Grief is a reality during Christmas. Christmas is about celebrating. How do I celebrate when my person is not here with me? How do I celebrate when my heart is aching?  How do I go through all the motions when I can barely go to a store without crying? The questions are valid and the answers are difficult but here is the reality. Grief is wrestling. It is wrestling through what we want which is now impossible to get to a place of accepting what is and holding on to the memories we have. Grief is a process that is messy, painful, inspiring and vulnerable.  There is no map or script.  Grief is holding the past in the present with a hope for the future. Grief is a necessary part of today to be able to keep moving through the valley we are in. 

Only in grief can we find comfort. Only in grief can we find compassion.  Only in grief can we find collateral beauty.  In 2014, Collateral Beauty came out in movie theaters. It is the wrestling of grief to produce a collateral beauty.  In the movie, the main character wrestles with concepts around love, time and death.  In the end, after the wrestling he finds a collateral beauty.  Isaiah 61:3 says “(God) bestows on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” God alone can take our ashes and make them beautiful.  

The challenge during the holidays is to actually grieve through them. To intentionally, emotionally, purposefully look at the past, remember, hold those memories dear to our hearts. To continue to love our person, our memories, our life together while being in this present moment without them. That is the challenge of grieving in the holidays.  It is easy to just hide in my house and never come out.  It is easy to push everyone away.  It is easy to say “I am fine” when you are not.  The challenge of grieving at Christmas is to be vulnerable, to let people in to love you while you are hurting.  The challenge is to be comforted and actually receive that comfort.  

This Christmas, whether it is your first time without them or your 50th, look for the collateral beauty.  Look for the ashes to become beauty.  Share your story of the person you love.  Invite in a new tradition that would make them smile down at you while you smile in that moment.  Look for a way for your loved ones memory to shine through into this holiday season. Grief is not just sadness, it is a beautiful awareness of the love that was shared, the comfort in the present and the hope for joy in the future.  You really can hold the past in the present with a hope for the future. 

Why?

Because over 2000 years ago, God in his grief of our sin, sent his son as an infant into this present world to be our hope for a future salvation.  His grief did not stop in sadness but he wrestled with us to provide salvation, hope and joy.  It is the gospel.  It is our healing.  It is our hope. 

This Christmas, grieve. Allow comfort in. Create new memories that honor the past.  Know that you are loved even in the ashes. Healing comes to those who grieve. This is your right now but not your forever.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

     for the display of his splendor.